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Monday, December 15, 2008

Dog Day Afternoon

I wonder. Is it legal to sell your dog on Ebay? If so, I just might consider it.

Dog about Town...or more accurately, Dog About Apartment (actual name, Ginger) is dangerously close to going the way of "gently used" Ugg Boots and "like new" Louis Vuittan hand bags.

Don't get me wrong, I love her dearly.

She is, after all, the sweetest canine ever. Narry a mean bone in her 60 lb, once-brown, now-gray, sheds like a motha, Boxer body. But, she is also, and this is why I regularly threaten to put her up on the cyber auction block, as stubborn as the day is long.

A summer day. Not one of these short crappy winter days.

Aside from making sure her basic survival needs are met, Ginger's goal in life appears to be three-fold:
1. smell then immediately jump on all other dogs (not unreasonable)
2. slobber on as many things as possible (annoying, but hardly her fault given the size of her jowls)
3. make owner crazy (herein lies the problem)

To that end, Dog About Town employs some very high-level tactics against which I have no defense:

Tactic #1 involves staring and whining (yes, whining. not barking. not howling. whining. like a child. constantly. for reasons I have yet to decipher) for long periods of time each night. I don't know why. I am not even sure she knows why. But I think she knows it annoys the crap out of me.

Tactic #2 is to "cute" me into over-feeding her. Tail wagging, head tilting, spinning in circles, offering a paw and growling at her food bowl are all utilized. Tactic #2 is often used in conjunction with tactic #1 which is why she almost. always. wins. And, why she can barely get her fat furry ass up the stairs these days.

Tactic #3 is a stroke of genius, really. Stopping. In the middle of a walk...she just stops. And won't move. Not an inch. I have no idea what's going on in that kibble-sized brain of hers during this maneuver but I can only imagine it's her way of establishing some semblance of control. Like saying, "nobody puts baby in a corner."

Tactic #4a, the hunger strike, is her very best work. The hunger strike can occur at any time for any reason and typically lasts three-four weeks. Seemingly out of nowhere, Dog About Town decides there is more to cuisine than kibble and holds out for something better. Or, sometimes, she's just miffed because I moved her dog bed, or I got home a half hour later than usual, or I fed her at 7:20 am instead of 7:00 am.

Or...because I put a pink wig on her for Halloween ;)

During a hunger strike, Dog About Town will eat treats. She will eat people food. She will eat paper out of the bathroom trash can. But she will not eat dog food.
There is no defense against tactic 4A because, if I don't capitulate within a certain period of time, she employs tactic 4b- fainting. I kid you not. she will pass. right. out.


Despite her quirks and her apparent devotion to my impending insanity, I suppose I'll keep her a while longer. Unless, of course...someone wants to start the bidding at say $20?? Can't I get $25? Ok fine...I'll give ya a fin to take her ;0