Wednesday, January 28, 2009
I was writing a new song the other day and it occurred to me that, throughout history, there have been penned, some truly brilliant songs. Like, Van Morrison's Into the Mystic- "I wanna rock your gypsy soul, just like way back in the days of old, and together we'll float into the mystic." Slay me. Or, Leonard Cohen's Halelujah- "remember when I moved in you, the holy dove was moving too and every breath we drew was halelujah." Pure magic.
I could go on and on about the songs that inspire me. But, since it's WAAAAAAY more fun to mock crappy songs, I bring you my Top Fifteen list of cheesiest lyrics ever.
I'm into lists lately.
1.Celine Dion- "I'm everything I am because you loved me" (I think I just heard a founding member of the Women's Movement roll over in her grave.)
1.Captain and Tenille- "Muskrat Susie, muskrat Sam, do the jitterbug out in muskrat land" (I don't even know what to say here.)
3. Shakira- "Lucky that my breasts are small and humble, so you don't confuse them with mountains" (again, speechless.)
4. Fergie- "And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket" (ok, first of all, it's HIS blanket. Mind your plurals dear F-E-R-G-I-E.)
5. P Diddy- "Young black and famous with money hangin' out the anus" (well, that's just gross.)
6. Timbaland- "I'm respected from Californ-i-a way down to Japan" (k, use the money from your next hit single to buy a globe. Japan is not south of here, Sparkey. oh, and don't say Californ-i-a. you're not a Beach Boy)
7. Wham- "I'm never gonna dance again, guilty feet have got no rhythm" (forget the not dancing and go with the not song-writing, Georgie boy.)
8. Aretha Franklin- "Who's zoomin' who, now the fish jumped off the hook, didn't I baby, who's zoomin' who?" (more like who's "shroomin" who. seriously, what?)
9. Neil Diamond- "I am, I said, to no one there, and no one heard, not even the chair" (can you sing this in a box, can you sing this with a fox?)
10. The Killers- "Are we human, or are we dancers" (I don't know, but I'm pretty sure we're buying ear plugs.)
11. Nelly, Diddy, Murphy Lee- "Is that yo ass, or yo momma half reindeer?" (a reindeer...on acid...could write a better song.)
13. Bread- "Baby, I'ma want you. Baby, I'ma need you." (baby, i'ma learn me somma dat English language ona deese daze).
14. Kelly Clarkson- "I know that I've got issues, but you're pretty messed up too. Anyway, I found out, I'm nothing without you" (Kel...Celine called. she wants her lyrics back.)
15. And last but definitely NOT least...Jimmy Webb- "Someone left the cake out in the rain, I don't think that I can take it, cuz it took so long to bake it and I'll never have that recipe again" (oh. my. God.)
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
1. White chocolate has no business calling itself chocolate.
2. Dogs take longer to pee when you're in a hurry.
3. I may never understand the appeal of un-toasted bagels, Justin Timberlake, or televised golf.
4. Standing near elevators makes me light-headed.
5. Rainy days and Mondays always get me down.
6. The Exorcist is a scary-ass movie.
7. Blue Man Group freaks me out.
8. Stacey London's gray hair patch also freaks me out.
9. Nobody beats the Wiz (ok, there were only 9 little things I already knew).
10. Friends and family are all that matter.