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Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Say Cheese

I was writing a new song the other day and it occurred to me that, throughout history, there have been penned, some truly brilliant songs. Like, Van Morrison's Into the Mystic- "I wanna rock your gypsy soul, just like way back in the days of old, and together we'll float into the mystic." Slay me. Or, Leonard Cohen's Halelujah- "remember when I moved in you, the holy dove was moving too and every breath we drew was halelujah." Pure magic.

I could go on and on about the songs that inspire me. But, since it's WAAAAAAY more fun to mock crappy songs, I bring you my Top Fifteen list of cheesiest lyrics ever.

I'm into lists lately.

1.Celine Dion- "I'm everything I am because you loved me" (I think I just heard a founding member of the Women's Movement roll over in her grave.)

1.Captain and Tenille- "Muskrat Susie, muskrat Sam, do the jitterbug out in muskrat land" (I don't even know what to say here.)

3. Shakira- "Lucky that my breasts are small and humble, so you don't confuse them with mountains" (again, speechless.)

4. Fergie- "And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket" (ok, first of all, it's HIS blanket. Mind your plurals dear F-E-R-G-I-E.)

5. P Diddy- "Young black and famous with money hangin' out the anus" (well, that's just gross.)

6. Timbaland- "I'm respected from Californ-i-a way down to Japan" (k, use the money from your next hit single to buy a globe. Japan is not south of here, Sparkey. oh, and don't say Californ-i-a. you're not a Beach Boy)

7. Wham- "I'm never gonna dance again, guilty feet have got no rhythm" (forget the not dancing and go with the not song-writing, Georgie boy.)

8. Aretha Franklin- "Who's zoomin' who, now the fish jumped off the hook, didn't I baby, who's zoomin' who?" (more like who's "shroomin" who. seriously, what?)

9. Neil Diamond- "I am, I said, to no one there, and no one heard, not even the chair" (can you sing this in a box, can you sing this with a fox?)

10. The Killers- "Are we human, or are we dancers" (I don't know, but I'm pretty sure we're buying ear plugs.)

11. Nelly, Diddy, Murphy Lee- "Is that yo ass, or yo momma half reindeer?" (a reindeer...on acid...could write a better song.)

13. Bread- "Baby, I'ma want you. Baby, I'ma need you." (baby, i'ma learn me somma dat English language ona deese daze).

14. Kelly Clarkson- "I know that I've got issues, but you're pretty messed up too. Anyway, I found out, I'm nothing without you" (Kel...Celine called. she wants her lyrics back.)

15. And last but definitely NOT least...Jimmy Webb- "Someone left the cake out in the rain, I don't think that I can take it, cuz it took so long to bake it and I'll never have that recipe again" (oh. my. God.)


Anonymous said...

and that fifth grade education cert'nly dint hert yu nun!
Im prod to no u!

Anne F. said...

The human/dancer thing drives me insane. Partly the lyrics, partly because it sounds like something straight out of 1986.

But, George Michael, I must disagree. Those were not his particularly strongest lyrics (neither were "sex is natural, sex is good, not everybody done it, but every body should"). BUT some of his lyrics have made it into my favorite quotations books over the years. For example "it's hard to love, there's so much to hate...
hanging on to hope when there is no hope to speak of" or "I think there's something you should know...there's something deep inside of me, there's someone I forgot to be". So don't dis on George! :) Now, what's your list of the BEST lyrics? I'm working on mine...

czl said...

I'm so glad there are others who, like me, are forced to turn off the radio at the human/dancers thing. That song drives me crazy! The two are not mutually exclusive, people!